Deep Thoughts

SNAP!!

2007-12-31T13:40:00.000-08:00

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

–Jack Handey

Uncle Caveman

2007-12-08T22:10:00.001-08:00

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

–Jack Handey

Charges?

2007-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

–Jack Handey

Comments . . .

2007-12-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

–Jack Handey

Do you have a good story?

2007-12-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

–Jack Handey

Have you experienced this?

2007-11-29T09:46:00.001-08:00

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

–Jack Handey

Comments . . .

2007-11-26T13:38:00.001-08:00

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

–Jack Handey

Tell about your memories . . .

2007-11-17T13:15:00.001-08:00

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

–Jack Handey

Thoughts?

2007-11-14T19:32:00.001-08:00

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

–Jack Handey

All right - let's have it. . . comments anyone?

2007-11-11T20:31:00.000-08:00

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

–Jack Handey

Update!!

2007-11-11T20:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry that I haven't updated in so long. I was having some computers problems!!

We won!!

2007-10-26T11:19:00.001-07:00

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

– Jack Handey

Comments?

2007-10-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

– Jack Handey

Believe it or not?

2007-10-22T07:50:00.001-07:00

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

– Jack Handey

Comments?

2007-10-19T07:44:00.001-07:00

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts?

2007-10-18T08:10:00.001-07:00

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

– Jack Handey

Have you tried this?

2007-10-16T07:37:00.000-07:00

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

– Jack Handey

Thoughts?

2007-10-15T08:49:00.000-07:00

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.– Jack Handey

Create your own deep thought. . .

2007-10-11T23:06:00.000-07:00

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
– Jack Handey

Do you think this will solve the conflict in Iraq?

2007-10-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.– Jack Handey

Comments?

2007-10-09T00:43:00.001-07:00

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.

– Jack Handey

Come on . . . Tell us what you think!

2007-10-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

– Jack Handey

Comments

2007-10-05T23:29:00.001-07:00

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?

– Jack Handey

Add Your Thoughts . . .

2007-10-04T23:20:00.001-07:00

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.

– Jack Handey

Comments

2007-10-04T08:36:00.001-07:00

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He told us about his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts . . .

2007-10-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

– Jack Handey

Add your Comments

2007-10-02T11:02:00.001-07:00

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

– Jack Handey

Add Comments

2007-10-01T08:57:00.001-07:00

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

– Jack Handey

2007-09-29T01:16:00.001-07:00

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

– Jack Handey

New Thought

2007-09-27T23:09:00.001-07:00

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

– Jack Handey

Add Your Thoughts

2007-09-27T07:14:00.001-07:00

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

– Jack Handey

Discuss Deep Thoughts

2007-09-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

I decided it would be a lot of fun if all of the Deep Thought users could discuss the thought of the day.

Don't Be Shy! - Be the first to make a post.

Deep Thoughts

SNAP!!

Uncle Caveman

Charges?

Comments . . .

Do you have a good story?

Have you experienced this?

Comments . . .

Tell about your memories . . .

Thoughts?

All right - let's have it. . . comments anyone?

Update!!

We won!!

Comments?

Believe it or not?

Comments?

Any thoughts?

Have you tried this?

Thoughts?

Create your own deep thought. . .

Do you think this will solve the conflict in Iraq?

Comments?

Come on . . . Tell us what you think!

Comments

Add Your Thoughts . . .

Comments

Any thoughts . . .

Add your Comments

Add Comments

More

New Thought

Add Your Thoughts

Discuss Deep Thoughts