SNAP!!

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

–Jack Handey

Uncle Caveman

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

–Jack Handey

Charges?

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

–Jack Handey

Comments . . .

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

–Jack Handey

Do you have a good story?

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

–Jack Handey

Have you experienced this?

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

–Jack Handey

Comments . . .

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

–Jack Handey

Tell about your memories . . .

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

–Jack Handey

Thoughts?

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

–Jack Handey

All right - let's have it. . . comments anyone?

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

–Jack Handey

Update!!

Sorry that I haven't updated in so long. I was having some computers problems!!

We won!!

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

– Jack Handey

Comments?

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

– Jack Handey

Believe it or not?

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

– Jack Handey

Comments?

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts?

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

– Jack Handey

Have you tried this?

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

– Jack Handey

Thoughts?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.– Jack Handey

Create your own deep thought. . .

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
– Jack Handey

Do you think this will solve the conflict in Iraq?

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.– Jack Handey