We won!!

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

– Jack Handey

Comments?

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

– Jack Handey

Believe it or not?

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

– Jack Handey

Comments?

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts?

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

– Jack Handey

Have you tried this?

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

– Jack Handey

Thoughts?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.– Jack Handey

Create your own deep thought. . .

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
– Jack Handey

Do you think this will solve the conflict in Iraq?

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.– Jack Handey

Comments?

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.

– Jack Handey

Come on . . . Tell us what you think!

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

– Jack Handey

Comments

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?

– Jack Handey

Add Your Thoughts . . .

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.

– Jack Handey

Comments

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He told us about his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts . . .

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

– Jack Handey

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If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

– Jack Handey

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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

– Jack Handey