If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
– Jack Handey
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23 comments:
Good Lord!
Do you know how many times I've thought about that very same thing? Except, in my thought, it was a steam iron. The Steam Iron of Integrity! Try fitting THAT into your holster! Well, you simply can't. And that's when the cowboys start laughing, and I start pressing a blouse just to avoid eye contact.
And THAT, my friends, is why Jack Handey is king of whatever this is.
This is one of my favorite "thoughts" so far. Especially since I personally know the people who have carried the Tool of Destiny, and the Scissors of Hope. But I have to say I really think they would like to get together with you who carries the Steam Iron of Integrity. Together these forces would be unimagineable, and I would definitely feel safe hangin' with those guys.
It is my understanding, Weeble, that this "Tool of Destiny" of which you speak is, for all intensive purposes, a spatula-
but a very powerful spatula, indeed.
A spatula? I'm not sure but that might be part of it. The T.O.D. is all that and more.
The Spatula is often mistaken as the T.O.D. In actuality, it acts as the Sceptor of Bravery.
The weapon that separates the good from the evil, with the power to part the tides, is the Golden Whisk....this is the legendary Tool of Destiny of which you speak.
I thought the Golden Whisk was the Staff of Debauchery!
Boy, do I have a lot of explaining to do at the bridge club.
The Soldering Iron of Justice....
He who carries it must use it only for Good.
... to melt lead onto copper to form... the Solder Points of Integrity.
With enough of these points... why, we could forge the Circuit Board of Invincibility....and then... HA HA!
Then! We could destroy the world!
Why, Mr. Someotherguy Said!
If the whole purpose of the Soldering Iron of Justice is, as you indicate,to do good, haven't you just negated it's powwer with your selfish proposal? My guess that would lead to tripping the Circuit Breaker of Consternation!
(I may be wrong, but I think someone needs a little spanking from the Paddle of Idignation!)
Good Heavens! After reading my last post, I need a visit to Meriam Webster's! Power, indeed should have only one "w", and I believe I owe Indignation an "n"!
Looks like I'll be first in line for that paddling, Mr.Someotherguy Said!
Why, Vera... would you rescind such an enticing offer, (the Paddle of Indignation)so quickly?
... why, you had me at... the Staff of Debauchery.
I was once told I had a "staff infection that has resulted from debauchery"...is that the same thing?
Now, I'm no doctor (medical), but I believe, Mr. he who must not be named (because of pending legal decisions),that improper use of the Staff of Debauchery can lead to acute acute-ness. I'd try those new antibacterial gels, or pehaps have your spleen flensed.
As for your inquiry, Mr. Some other guy said, I am merely trying to divert your attention from the Paddle of Indignation, for your dialogue indicates you know very little of it's vast powers. I shudder to think of what might happen should it fall into the hands of the great unwashed... uh... hands.
Vera... a spleen flensing for acute acute-ness? Isn't that a bit extreme?
Wouldn't a good leeching be advisable before resorting to this?
And as for trying to divert my attention from the Paddle of Indignation... you play the role of tart very well.
Come down from your ivory tower Vera... and make love to me!
I see right through you Vera. Well, at least your clothing, because I wear.... yes! The X-Ray Specs of Truth!
I'm afraid you have been duped by the Leaded Shield of Modesty.
(You'd be surprised how sparse this Ivory Tower is. I think they're counting on the ivory alone to impress, but it all just kind of runs together...)
The Leaded Shield of Modesty!?
Curses! Foiled again!
"All my loneliness, I have felt today. It's a little more than enough, to make a man throw himself away. And I continue to burn the midnight lamp... alone."
- Jimi
Can't you hear me callin' you?
Dear Mr. dim sum guy said...
You words are of great importance, but I'm afraid I shall have to end this conversation for the moment. The traffic lights all turn blue tomorrow, and I do plan to get up early to see them, so I shall retire for now.
Goodnight!
The traffic lights all turn blue tomorrow... you bowl me over with a feather.
... you amaze me...
You are... too kind.
Not... at all.
Can I coax you out of retirment Ms. Carp? This place would be lonely without you.
You can even wear that Leaded Shield of Modesty if you like... even though it conjures up images of medieval Belts of Chastity.
Just return to your rightful place as the Deep Thoughts Queen.
What delightful reportage!
You force me to once again lower the Veil of Metaphore and take up the Cattle Prod of Individualism.
Goodness! May I donate that last vowel to an "e" bank? Sometimes I fear my typing fingers roam a bit too far!
Perhaps you could store that "e" bank in a place that would welcome it... like a Candy Shoppe. It would seem to welcome those extra vowels and consonants as well!
It's just good to have you back.
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