SNAP!!

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

–Jack Handey

Uncle Caveman

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

–Jack Handey

Charges?

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

–Jack Handey

Comments . . .

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

–Jack Handey

Do you have a good story?

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

–Jack Handey

Have you experienced this?

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

–Jack Handey

Comments . . .

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

–Jack Handey

Tell about your memories . . .

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

–Jack Handey

Thoughts?

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

–Jack Handey

All right - let's have it. . . comments anyone?

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

–Jack Handey

Update!!

Sorry that I haven't updated in so long. I was having some computers problems!!

We won!!

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

– Jack Handey

Comments?

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said, 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said 'Now who's asking the questions?'

– Jack Handey

Believe it or not?

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

– Jack Handey

Comments?

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts?

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

– Jack Handey

Have you tried this?

I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!

– Jack Handey

Thoughts?

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.– Jack Handey

Create your own deep thought. . .

If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, "Well, technically that's illegal." It might fit in with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party.
– Jack Handey

Do you think this will solve the conflict in Iraq?

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.– Jack Handey

Comments?

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.

– Jack Handey

Come on . . . Tell us what you think!

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

– Jack Handey

Comments

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?

– Jack Handey

Add Your Thoughts . . .

Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.

– Jack Handey

Comments

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He told us about his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

– Jack Handey

Any thoughts . . .

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

– Jack Handey

Add your Comments

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

– Jack Handey

Add Comments

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

– Jack Handey

More

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

– Jack Handey

New Thought

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

– Jack Handey

Add Your Thoughts

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.

– Jack Handey

Discuss Deep Thoughts

I decided it would be a lot of fun if all of the Deep Thought users could discuss the thought of the day.

Don't Be Shy! - Be the first to make a post.